STARTING ANEW AT 31

Goshh.. 31..
Nostalgic as it sounds. But I have a good life so far.
Sure commitments are increasingly high these days.
I am comfortable being city gal and living on my own.
Some days I think of the people whose no longer part of my life.

A few days before raya I started getting acquainted in knowing someone.
He wasn't someone I never knew but just someone I never though of getting close to.
He is kind, sweet and nice.
I am not sure if it is my fear of opening up again or I am still expecting some sort of sparkle.
I just dun feel it.
You know when you first know someone you get this kinda attraction where you dun wanna stop talking and wanna know more and more about that new person.
I mean I share about me but somehow I feel like I'm stucked on what to talk about.

I mean he is sort like a dream.
Can cook. He dives. He has a good career and stable.
He is a good listener.
But why do I feel nothing?
People who know him keeps saying his a good catch but me..
Why is it girls or women love to have that bad boy vibe kinda thing?
What's wrong with me?
I always wish for the right guy..
And here he is the right guy and I feel like mehh..
So he's really trying to get to know me and asking to meet me..
But I keep on giving excuses.
I feel like I dun wanna let him in.
Maybe I afraid or paranoid..

Perhaps the issue is to lose the comfort i feel at the moment.
And maybe the ghost of the past is still there despite no longer existing in my life.
Somehow i think it's time for me to go back to the place I want to be.
Face reality and be happy as I know it ought to be.
Penang has stopped being my home after I finished my degree.
I used to be a person who hurriedly wanna come back to Penang.
Now I'm sick of Penang.
And all those tissue hearted men in Penang.
Penang men are such ass.
They are easily intimidate with confident and loudspoken bitchy woman like myself.

I guess I need to figure out what is best and the next thing for me.
My life is no longer in Penang. My life has always been where my heart wants to be.
Being happy is what I say it should be.
Love for me is where I feel safe and secure.
Keep me in your prayers.
Time to move and start a new adventure..

MELANCHOLY OF FUTURE SPINSTER

I walk along a known place.

I was driving my car through the places I held many memories..

And I was staring at the famous mosque I knew very well the colour and architecture..

Somehow it looks old with tainted paints.

Perhaps just need to be repaint.

Suddenly a thought crossed my mind..

All these places that held so many memories and moments I can never forget with the people I love.

They feld old. Nostalgic perhaps.

Few years ago I was thinking of growing old here. Have a house. Build a life.

Somehow all that plan seems so distance for me today.

I don't want the same thing anymore.

Being there, remembering..

It made me sad. Because I can't repeat again or go through the same thing ever again.

I love Putrajaya, Cyberjaya, Kajang and Puchong very much.

But all these memories and places felt distance to me now..

I know every street and corner too damn well and I told myself..

Guess I finally able to let go..

I am moving on from these places.

I don't think I can go back there.

Live and stay. 

I just feel like I have did and experience everything in those places.

I think if I ever want to work somewhere, it will not be the same place.

I am not trying to say I am getting tired of the same place or the people.

It just felt redundant.

I am a person easily bored.

I am a person who seeks new opportunities.

I seek adventure and new experiences.

Sure, there'll be loneliness and boredom but part of growing up is to really experience things.

I go travel. Even if I promised myself that I wud someday go to the same place again, I still try to find somewhere new.

I still feel all the feelings I held all those years before but I dun like staying and repeating the same thing.

I dun like myself dwell on the past.

I mean I think and reminisce sometimes but too stay too long..

I dun.. I am able to be where I am today because of my past.

The pain thought me to heal.

The lost helped me to find a map to a greener pasture.

The wrong person leads me to the right people.

Sure I have not found my other half. But I am cool with the friends and loved ones that still stood by me..

For every memories comes a new story.

Every thing you go through becomes a moment and moments become memories.

I am fond  of many things.

My heart still love the same person but I am not the same person anymore..

I now know better to lose love so we can find better love, laughter and happiness.

We are better individuals without each other.

Relationship is good while it lasts but it is not forever.

Because forever has an expiration date..

And also heart.. Heart may love but also heart also learnt to love in silent.

Heart understands that sometime it does not need to own but to set the love free.

And the heart grows old but never stop loving.

From a young teenager, she became a woman.

From a girl who easily tempered, she became a woman who handles tempered by walking away from situation she could not care less and just get on with life and perfected the art of "I cud not give a fuck"

And now.. She will finally succumb to the idea of embracing spinsterhood..

What is happiness but defining her own ideology of what true happiness is on her own..

Pathetic? Sad? Perhaps think otherwise.. She is living.. She is exactly where Allah wants her to be..

THE SILENT PRAYER

Dear Me,
For every fear you subside..
For every heart ache you heal..
For every misery you chase away..
For every tears you dry..
You are here..
You are now..
At the begin..
Let go..
Reset..
Start..

Even when people almost at the end of the finishing lane..
Even when you are left at the corner..
Remember.. The one person who never let you down..
Who pick you up when no one could..
That console you in the deepest hours..
Not your mother.. Not your family.. Not your friends..
You..

To hell with words..
To hell with people's perception..
To grave of what expected of you..
You are here..
You exist..
He is telling you something..
This is your test.. Not others..
You dun have to explain..
You dun have to show..
You can keep silent..
You can hide..
In the pits or in the darkness..
You always have you..

When in doubt, pray..
When in sadness, pray..
When in happiness, pray..
When in forlorn, pray..
When in lost, pray..
His love has no boundaries..
People put limits because He set the limits..
No matter how hard you grasp..
No matter how long you wait..
Pray, hope, believe..
He is waiting.. Listening.. 
Perhaps what you think is good for you is not good for Him..
Perhaps what you think is bad for you is good from Him..
Listen..
The call for prayer is here..
He summoned you.. Go,,
Find Him..
Love Him..
And you shall.. find love..

WHEN BEING ME IS NOT ENOUGH

Dear Readers,
I am at a crossroad..
I am born as a female..
Raised as the youngest daughter with 3 sisters.
I think i am at a break point..
To tell you the truth i am far from happy but I accept..
I know why.. 
I understood that I am unable to fulfill my bucket list..
The only thing that makes me happy and feel like I have full control of is work..
I admit i am all out workaholic career badass woman..
I stand tall and proud..
I am not an engineer but i am an IT service desk..
Good salary. Living in my hometown.
Invest in things..
I should be happy, rite??
But still i'm not..
I am content.. I am grateful..
It is not a void that i am trying to fill..
I am single and i have my own struggles.
I love that i am going through it all on my own..
Most of my closest friends are married.
Every hardship they go through, they have someone at night to cry on.
I dun have that benefit or pleasure..
But honestly, i really love that i don't..
I dun have to be in arguments.
I dun have to constantly explained why i react or make decision in certain ways.
If i don't have money, i don't have to go out and able to say NO to anyone without feeling guilty..
I love the time i spent with myself.
My quiet and comfortable home..
I am not ready to share the routine i have..
I don't think that being with someone is a significant proof that you achieve something.
I don't know how many times i have to stress this out to my elders.
My parents idea of a perfect life is being married, squeeze a few babies and good paycheck..
But what about what i think.
What makes me.. Me!
So i am not happy.. Should i marry just so someone else can be miserable with me?
Someone who barely knows shit about me?
Please laa.. This mentality gotta end!
I am so tired to measure my life with having a man..
All this conservative practice must END!!!
I am not against marriage..
Trust me.. I have imagined myself being married and having future with men with some of exes many times..
After my last ex. I dun think i am ready for the same drama..
Same heart ache..
Same expectation..
I dun like the 'ME' whose in love..
I hate HER..
Everything's gotta be to please the man..
Understand him..
Throw my future to match him..
Maybe i just didn't meet the right one yet!
And i am still in a state of mending my broken heart.
So some people can take a day or weeks or months..
Yet here I'm still a broken person..
I can't..
I try.. But the fear keeps telling me to stop..
So i stopped..
And so.. NO..
I will not settled..
Just coz friends or family think i should be..
I have accept that it is over. 
I am convinced that we are both not right for each other..
But this words i am pouring out not coz i miss him or still wanting him whatsoever.. 
Period..
It's just i am tired that people keeps pushing me to find someone.
What if i just dun want to find..
I am just embracing life as it is..
Sometimes i just wanna scream and to tell people to stop..
Stop thinking for me.
Stop deciding for me..
I love the 'me' i am right now..
Struggling but still fighting..
I am always fighting for what a woman like me wants.
What we decide matters..
My success in life is not depend on having a man..
If it was a man..
No one ask or question them if they are single..
No one force..
Is it such a taboo to not be married for a woman?
Will it be wrong to wait for the right one for as long as i want??
We are progressing.. With gender equality..
But the mindset quality is still the same shits all the same..
I stop believe in true love and fairy tales long time ago..
Once upon a time i used to wait for that prince charming..
Then, i stopped waiting for him and be him..
I be my own saviour..
I be my dream man.
And you know what.. It feels so damn good to be a threat.
I am not the problem if a man is intimidate by me..
Calling me bitch or crazy woman..
I finally know my worth and i believe a strong honorable man will be blessed to have me for who i am.. And i will accept him for who he is..
We gotta stop the stigma people..
We have to lift the great women..
Respect one another..
Stop shaming..
My success in life is determine by my happiness..
And not by anyone.. But myself..
I am not happy now..
Still i am working hard everyday making sure i am..
I am sorry if i did in any way offended some of married women out there..
But i gotta say something..
I respect your choices so i hope you can respect mine..
Love me for my silence and stop bullying me about being single..
And i love my life right now..
Honestly..
Please pray for the best and i will for yours..
I love you ladies and gents..
Thank you for reading..
Hope you have a great and awesome weekends!!!

MY 2018 TRUTHS & DELIMMA

1. The friends who used to hang out with you spend more time with new friends.

2. The missing friends finally came back either to dig something from you or needing advise or needing a should to cry on or just need something from you.

3. no matter how nice of a person, they still talk shit behind your back.

4. the more older i get, the more i feel less caring about other people's feeling.

5. i stop contacting some friends. not because i don't wanna keep in touch but i feel i will have a hard time explaining or converse with people

6.i find solace in the comfort of my own home, my own space, my own bed.

7. i am afraid to let people in these days because the reality is people will soon leave once they know me

8. the people who you never really have the intention of letting them sticking around are the ones who did stick around

9. my financial crisis is haunting me and making me miserable

10. i miss solo travelling but i am broke

11. i am broke but i am blessed with real people who treated me right, food on the table, a comfortable home, a car that help me to move around, a family who despite many times i have acted like an ass still reach out to me

12. i have moments i feel lonely but when i think of the men that hurt me, i stopped and keep telling myself to persevere

13. i let go of people that hurt me. i sometimes contact them but most of the time, i just dun.

14. the elders are tense these days coz the youngsters had lost common sense.

15. i hate people who 'LIKE' on anything i post but dun really gets it.

16. i am very bitter

17.sometimes i look at my phone waiting for someone that i really miss to send a hi message

18. usually people who i thought no longer exist are the one keep flooding my wassap. #mute

19. you can wish somethings. you can hope for somethings. but you gotta stop missing people whose no longer part of your life and appreciate the ones who actually try. still i am too lazy to react on this. gosh i am such a bitch..

20. keep questioning myself.. am i happy?

21. i have severe trust issues..