YOLO

YOLO - You only live once

Or in other words, Carpe Diem

I am a real day dreamer in day
Heavy thinker at nights
Always end up having weird dreams sometimes

Few years back.
I read an article how an old man on his death bed wishing and regretting not being able to do many things, say things he should had said, see things that he should had seen.
So many regrets. Regretting not telling someone you love them. Regretting not being able to do something differently. 
It got me to thinking. I kept saying of doing things and I end up not doing it.
It then got me frustrated coz I was not living up to my expectation.

Thus, since that day, this lady think ahead and just do. 
I will try my best to avoid saying it.
I will just do it first and once it is done, I'll just spread the words.
Not to boast at others but more like proud of my own self to have courage to do things that people are having hard time to implement or take action.

So How to live life fully?
1. Dream
2. List your bucket list
3. Do research
4. Have a basic plan and understanding of what you will do
5. Take action. Just do it!
6. Take picture for reminder that it was not a dream, YOU DID IT!!!
7. Share your experience but not to boast and more like inspire people and give them guidance.
8. Wake up everyday telling yourself that it will be an awesome day and promise yourself that you will be happy today.
9. When you are down, look for the things even if it is a baby's laugh to make you smile.
10. Goof of, do some pranks, make jokes, do something crazy with anyone or your loved ones
11. Give back to others in any way possible either in financial or things that they need or pay for their food
12. Join a volunteer programme. This is to cleanse your inner self by being kind to other humans
13. Look back and reflect. Turn any regrets to moments of clarity of what you need to improve for your future self benefits.
14. Always spread positivity. Especially when there is too much negativity aura in the room, you gotta turn it up to something positive. Be the voice of reason or ambassador of good will.
15. Fulfill your bucket lists and travel and learn other language if needed

I am no professor or doctor. I've got no PHD or a master degree. I have my moments.
But I think so far I dun feel like committing suicide. I still have depression but those 15 things are what keeps me going. There is no such thing as quitting. Keep fighting. Work smart. Steadfast.
And yes, always love yourself first.

When you think your life sucks, realize somewhere some family has not even eaten for a week and still smile like they are full.

MASIH AKU

Tatkala hati mu berkelana..
Mencari yang lain..
Aku masih di sini..
Menatap memori aku dan kamu..
Pengharapan yang masih ada..
Hanya aku..
Tidak kamu..

Aku menjauh..
Tinggalkan kamu demi bahagia mu..
Aku tanpa henti berbicara dengan Ilahi..
Tentang kamu..
Hanya Allah tahu setiap yang aku tak mampu ungkap lagi..
Pada kamu..
Pada sesiapa..
Rindu aku, aku telan dan akuluahkan padaNya..

Aku langkah ke depan..
Dengan memaksa hati yang degil ini..
Aku buka lembaran baru di dunia yang aku asalnya tinggalkan..
Tapi kini dunia ini tempurung aku..
Lari dari bayangan mu..
Tapi kamu.. Kenapa kamu?
Kepingin hatiku buat kamu..
Selalu kamu..
Seolah-olah lelaki lain tak wujud..
Kau dan aku berbeza..
Dunia kita berbeza..
Jauhnya aku dan kamu..
Aku berbekalkan janji untuk tak kembali dalam hidup mu lagi..

Penghujung 2017..
Aku tatap gambar kamu..
Aku ingin luahkan sepenuh hati pada mu..
Tapi lihat kamu senyum..
Aku sedar aku sudah pudar dari hatimu..
Adakah aku masih hinggap di hatimu?
Adakah aku beri kan kamu senyum?
Atau hanya duka dan lara?
Aku henti.. Aku paksa..
Apa aku rasa.. Adakah penting lagi untuk luahkan padamu?
Cerita aku dalam hidup mu dah lama kau tutup..

Dan akhirnya aku diam..
Aku diam..
Berjanji takkan aku sebut lagi nama di khalayak siapa pun..
Dan hanya dalam sujudku..
Dalam doaku padaNya..
Malahan aku berhenti fikirkan mu..
Aku paksa diri aku lupakan kamu..
Tapi kamu masih muncul..
Dalam mimpi ku..
Ternyata diam itu benar..
Aku takkan lukakan kamu..
Tak ingin lagi lihat senyuman mu hilang.
Aku harap Dia dekat di hatimu..
Aku harap kamu damba Dia..
Kerna Dia aku ketemu mu..
Kerna Dia aku lepaskan mu..
Kerna Dia aku akan bebaskan sauh mu..

Sayang tapi tak ada makna lagi..
Kamu tiada lagi..
Kamu tidak akan hadir...
Akhirnya aku akur..
Kamu adalah koleksi yang meninggalkan aku dan aku tinggalkan..
Aku akhirnya dilupakan dan kamu akan aku lupakan..
Setahun berlalu tapi kamu masih di hati aku..
Masih aku...

HELLO 2018

It's 2018!!

Are you ready for something new?

New year's eve was such a bummer.
I spent my quiet new year's eve, thinking. Overthinking to be exact.

Every end of the year, people keep coming up with some new year's resolution whatsoever.
Bruhh.. I've got none.

But what I can tell you is, out of the so many resolution for 2017, this girl here was able to complete some out of the whole list.

Not gonna talk about the 2017 list of resolution. That is so L.A.S.T Y.E.A.R!!!

Let's be realistic people.

This year, I'll be hitting the 3 series and hopefully I'm able to hit it big like BMW series..

I'm gonna stick myself to writing bashfully this year.

My bucketlist so far includes:

1. Solo trips
2. Ziplining
3. Volunteering 
4. Half marathon (every god-damn year)
5. Travel 5 countries
6. Canyoneering
7. Hike more places
8. Buy a bicycle
9. Buy a new phone
10. Self-development

FUTURE PLANS?

This has nothing to do with marriage.
Let's talk about assets and financial plan.

Have you ever have your 5 years plan or 10 years?

Translation:
Things that you need to have before 35:
1. A comfortable home
2. 2 houses for investment
3. 6 months salary saving
4. Monthly savings
5. A good car




I think this is just not for guys.
I dun understand some girls, I know as a Muslimah that I will be dependent on my future husband.
After all, it is a man's responsibility to provide shelter, food and clothing.

As we are coming to an era where we have a very unstable financial and economic growth, I think women need to play their part as well.

I disagree when a woman said, "It's ok if I don't work, I have my man to support me"
Seriously..
And what is with the "I'm married so my life is solely for my family and husband"

What's with that? I mean, "COME ON!!!"
Before there was a guy, there was future goals which include your interest and your career.
As I watched many of my friends entering a new phase called 'Marriage' and how everything change.
With babies and in laws and your husband.
I think women in Malaysia gave too much for others and until they forget about their dream and goals.

I used to be those kinda woman. I put solely everything for a man. And making sacrifices only to be pointed that they never ask me to do it in the first place. 
What I really hate is the fact that the men I dated keep pressuring me to change for them.
And the best move I always do is just to walkaway and leave.

I mean, sure.. I miss my ex and still very much in love with him.
Anyways, he broke up with me. It does caught me by surprise because I usually will be the one who break things. Holla!!

When I am in love, I will go through this phase where I will give my whole focus to a man.
And I lost sight of things. But it took this man to make me realize, I am not ready to settle down.
I feel so tired for really focusing a lot on temporary men.

Though my parents pressuring me to marriage but I refused to succumb to what people expected of me. For 29 years living and breathing, I have always been a people person but I am very selfish with my family. To be honest.

When it comes to friends and people, I am benevolent in giving to others' needs more than my own.
Including understanding one's feelings.

Yesterday, I was contemplating with myself to do a drunk call (pretend drunk call as I don't drink) to my ex. Because of so much anger and madness within me. Things I should have said a year ago to his face. Apparently he has his closure. He said whatever he needed to say. But I didn't.
I bottled everything up.

Then I stalked him up. I must be crazy to post this publicly. It's social media dark side people!
I mean I look at his new posts. And it hit me. He is happy. And that was all I ever pray for him.
I realized if I did what I wanna do just coz I am hurt and in pain, I will then feel guilty afterwards and I will hurt him again with my stupid closure confession.

Sure.. He hurt me. My housemate hurt me. But what's new?
Will it be worth it to say all those mean things I kept inside my heart and head?
No, it isn't if it costing someone else's misery and pain and more scars. He is healing.
I'm not.
I think it is selfish of me to hurt others just so I could feel better about myself.
So I chickened out. 
And the best gift I could give myself is to have pride and dignity.
I know most people will keep telling me to let go and that I will be happy.
I know I would.
1 year has gone by after the breakup. I have been carrying an anchor on my back for all this time.
I moved forward with my life. Changed jobs and buy things I need for my future.
Still. Every time I wanna feel happy or if I laugh, I stopped myself feeling I don't deserve to be happy..
For months, I shut myself from people. Building walls. Going through many turmoils of depression. 
Feeling afraid to get attached or closed to people coz they can hurt you.

When one of my closest friend got married recently, I felt utterly lost in a way that I think I lost a shield and an adviser. He always say the right things and able to calm me down. We always tease each other and play jokes. I am happy that he finally has his queen. And he said, "Someday I will find my king and that all the pain and waiting is gonna be worth it"
But I replied, "I am just so tired of the same thing. Being treated like an option. That maybe I was created to give love instead to receive it".

I strongly believe in this. There are many people I walked away after being hurt by them.
You always thought these people will stay forever in your life but once they break you and you lost trust in them, you could never be part of their lives again. You would see them from afar and say hi but there could never be that warmth bonding moments that you used to have.

I never go back to what broke me. Because lessons learnt, they will keep break you again and again.
Only if they fight hard to make you stay. Then, you stay. 
It is only people who loves and forgives and embraces your craziness are the ones worth staying for. 
I proudly can say I have those people. And I intend to stay part of their lives.

As the new year comes, I know I will meet more new acquaintances but now I understand and accept that not all will stay. This is who I am and I will not change but will grow indifferently to what is expect of me and never others. No one can change me, not even my own family and friends. 
I know only Allah can. I dun care anymore if people leave coz they can't stand my behaviour. 
Just leave. It really took me everything to build me.

2018 is a year of growth. I love myself and I intend to stay single and focus on my personal growth.
And I refused to settle down. And if a man can't accept me for what I am, there is only 1 door and it is the EXIT.

Dear Women,

Do not settle down for anything less than you deserve. 
Do not let the world pressure you to be something you dun wanna be.
Be proud of what you are and what you achieve.
Try to learn to love yourself from your head to toe, from your inner soul to the depths of your heart.
Do not jump or depend on other's for happiness because all you ever feel is frustration.
Lean on Allah and have faith on those who loves you just the way you are.
And finally, never stop fighting for your dreams and ambitions.
No men should held you down.
And as L'Oreal says, "Because you're worth it" 
Happy New Year 2018. Let's start anew.