STARTING ANEW AT 31

Goshh.. 31..
Nostalgic as it sounds. But I have a good life so far.
Sure commitments are increasingly high these days.
I am comfortable being city gal and living on my own.
Some days I think of the people whose no longer part of my life.

A few days before raya I started getting acquainted in knowing someone.
He wasn't someone I never knew but just someone I never though of getting close to.
He is kind, sweet and nice.
I am not sure if it is my fear of opening up again or I am still expecting some sort of sparkle.
I just dun feel it.
You know when you first know someone you get this kinda attraction where you dun wanna stop talking and wanna know more and more about that new person.
I mean I share about me but somehow I feel like I'm stucked on what to talk about.

I mean he is sort like a dream.
Can cook. He dives. He has a good career and stable.
He is a good listener.
But why do I feel nothing?
People who know him keeps saying his a good catch but me..
Why is it girls or women love to have that bad boy vibe kinda thing?
What's wrong with me?
I always wish for the right guy..
And here he is the right guy and I feel like mehh..
So he's really trying to get to know me and asking to meet me..
But I keep on giving excuses.
I feel like I dun wanna let him in.
Maybe I afraid or paranoid..

Perhaps the issue is to lose the comfort i feel at the moment.
And maybe the ghost of the past is still there despite no longer existing in my life.
Somehow i think it's time for me to go back to the place I want to be.
Face reality and be happy as I know it ought to be.
Penang has stopped being my home after I finished my degree.
I used to be a person who hurriedly wanna come back to Penang.
Now I'm sick of Penang.
And all those tissue hearted men in Penang.
Penang men are such ass.
They are easily intimidate with confident and loudspoken bitchy woman like myself.

I guess I need to figure out what is best and the next thing for me.
My life is no longer in Penang. My life has always been where my heart wants to be.
Being happy is what I say it should be.
Love for me is where I feel safe and secure.
Keep me in your prayers.
Time to move and start a new adventure..

MELANCHOLY OF FUTURE SPINSTER

I walk along a known place.

I was driving my car through the places I held many memories..

And I was staring at the famous mosque I knew very well the colour and architecture..

Somehow it looks old with tainted paints.

Perhaps just need to be repaint.

Suddenly a thought crossed my mind..

All these places that held so many memories and moments I can never forget with the people I love.

They feld old. Nostalgic perhaps.

Few years ago I was thinking of growing old here. Have a house. Build a life.

Somehow all that plan seems so distance for me today.

I don't want the same thing anymore.

Being there, remembering..

It made me sad. Because I can't repeat again or go through the same thing ever again.

I love Putrajaya, Cyberjaya, Kajang and Puchong very much.

But all these memories and places felt distance to me now..

I know every street and corner too damn well and I told myself..

Guess I finally able to let go..

I am moving on from these places.

I don't think I can go back there.

Live and stay. 

I just feel like I have did and experience everything in those places.

I think if I ever want to work somewhere, it will not be the same place.

I am not trying to say I am getting tired of the same place or the people.

It just felt redundant.

I am a person easily bored.

I am a person who seeks new opportunities.

I seek adventure and new experiences.

Sure, there'll be loneliness and boredom but part of growing up is to really experience things.

I go travel. Even if I promised myself that I wud someday go to the same place again, I still try to find somewhere new.

I still feel all the feelings I held all those years before but I dun like staying and repeating the same thing.

I dun like myself dwell on the past.

I mean I think and reminisce sometimes but too stay too long..

I dun.. I am able to be where I am today because of my past.

The pain thought me to heal.

The lost helped me to find a map to a greener pasture.

The wrong person leads me to the right people.

Sure I have not found my other half. But I am cool with the friends and loved ones that still stood by me..

For every memories comes a new story.

Every thing you go through becomes a moment and moments become memories.

I am fond  of many things.

My heart still love the same person but I am not the same person anymore..

I now know better to lose love so we can find better love, laughter and happiness.

We are better individuals without each other.

Relationship is good while it lasts but it is not forever.

Because forever has an expiration date..

And also heart.. Heart may love but also heart also learnt to love in silent.

Heart understands that sometime it does not need to own but to set the love free.

And the heart grows old but never stop loving.

From a young teenager, she became a woman.

From a girl who easily tempered, she became a woman who handles tempered by walking away from situation she could not care less and just get on with life and perfected the art of "I cud not give a fuck"

And now.. She will finally succumb to the idea of embracing spinsterhood..

What is happiness but defining her own ideology of what true happiness is on her own..

Pathetic? Sad? Perhaps think otherwise.. She is living.. She is exactly where Allah wants her to be..

THE SILENT PRAYER

Dear Me,
For every fear you subside..
For every heart ache you heal..
For every misery you chase away..
For every tears you dry..
You are here..
You are now..
At the begin..
Let go..
Reset..
Start..

Even when people almost at the end of the finishing lane..
Even when you are left at the corner..
Remember.. The one person who never let you down..
Who pick you up when no one could..
That console you in the deepest hours..
Not your mother.. Not your family.. Not your friends..
You..

To hell with words..
To hell with people's perception..
To grave of what expected of you..
You are here..
You exist..
He is telling you something..
This is your test.. Not others..
You dun have to explain..
You dun have to show..
You can keep silent..
You can hide..
In the pits or in the darkness..
You always have you..

When in doubt, pray..
When in sadness, pray..
When in happiness, pray..
When in forlorn, pray..
When in lost, pray..
His love has no boundaries..
People put limits because He set the limits..
No matter how hard you grasp..
No matter how long you wait..
Pray, hope, believe..
He is waiting.. Listening.. 
Perhaps what you think is good for you is not good for Him..
Perhaps what you think is bad for you is good from Him..
Listen..
The call for prayer is here..
He summoned you.. Go,,
Find Him..
Love Him..
And you shall.. find love..