MY 2018 TRUTHS & DELIMMA

1. The friends who used to hang out with you spend more time with new friends.

2. The missing friends finally came back either to dig something from you or needing advise or needing a should to cry on or just need something from you.

3. no matter how nice of a person, they still talk shit behind your back.

4. the more older i get, the more i feel less caring about other people's feeling.

5. i stop contacting some friends. not because i don't wanna keep in touch but i feel i will have a hard time explaining or converse with people

6.i find solace in the comfort of my own home, my own space, my own bed.

7. i am afraid to let people in these days because the reality is people will soon leave once they know me

8. the people who you never really have the intention of letting them sticking around are the ones who did stick around

9. my financial crisis is haunting me and making me miserable

10. i miss solo travelling but i am broke

11. i am broke but i am blessed with real people who treated me right, food on the table, a comfortable home, a car that help me to move around, a family who despite many times i have acted like an ass still reach out to me

12. i have moments i feel lonely but when i think of the men that hurt me, i stopped and keep telling myself to persevere

13. i let go of people that hurt me. i sometimes contact them but most of the time, i just dun.

14. the elders are tense these days coz the youngsters had lost common sense.

15. i hate people who 'LIKE' on anything i post but dun really gets it.

16. i am very bitter

17.sometimes i look at my phone waiting for someone that i really miss to send a hi message

18. usually people who i thought no longer exist are the one keep flooding my wassap. #mute

19. you can wish somethings. you can hope for somethings. but you gotta stop missing people whose no longer part of your life and appreciate the ones who actually try. still i am too lazy to react on this. gosh i am such a bitch..

20. keep questioning myself.. am i happy?

21. i have severe trust issues..

MY SINGLE POINT OF VIEW

The singlehood diaries..
Aku abis 3 tahun ini mencari dan masih mencari.
Aku banyak sepikan diri aku.
Aku hanya pilih insan yang aku benar-benar mahu habiskan masa together or keep in touch with.
Yes, memang aku pilih kawan sekarang ni. That is my fact.
Kerana aku penat. Penat bermuka-muka.
Bukan aku benci atau cemburu dengan kawan-kawan yang dah kahwin or something/someone in their life.
Cerita tentang suami dan anak-anak.
Entah lah perbualan tu bagi aku sesuatu yang aku tak boleh relate.
I know I should respect people's choice in conversation topic.
But please also respect single people's choice or silence in not responding.
I dunno la..
Bukan aku tak nak cerita lebih2 pasal travel or my career or my love life whatsoever..
It's just that I am respecting people's time and reaction.
I dun want people to have the look like "I pity you to have to go through things on your own".
Seriously, stop seeing single people as a pity case.
Sunyi tu normal. We are able to get through it after all this years
3 years I really spent my time being single.
I go travel. Make plans. Execute plans. Make life goals. Make memories. Make a place in the community. Grow in my career. Make new friends.
I'm sorry if that sound like a pathetic thing.
One time there was a topic in a radio station to be married and have career first or to have career and be married.
I dun have an option people.
N I dun pick the option to be match make by someone who dunno a shit about me.
I dun wanna be married with someone I barely knew.
I have friends who do it.
I have a first real boyfriend whose a complete stranger and I really fell hard for him.
He broke me and I spent years building myself after that and picking up my crumbling degree years.
Which thanks to my BEST UNITENIAN friends who help me along that journey.
So NO.. I respect people's choice to be match make but not me..
I prefer to be with someone I knew before hand for a long time.
I have trust issues.
I dun trust people. Especially men.
I have a small close friends.
Recently I went on a trip to Redang Island with a bunch of married friends along with their kids.
I love every freaking minute of it.
Not once they made me feel miserable being single.
I kinda actually enjoyed being single as I have the room to myself. Can go anywhere by myself. And also able to spend time with my best friend and her spouse and our friends and their kids.
Frankly speaking..
Macam ni la..
Ada banyak jenis pasangan kahwin.
Ada yang jenis nak sembang pasal anak2 and husbands.
Trust me, these awesome friends of mine, they talk anything but that.
And I love them for that. 
Sebab tu mintak maaf banyak2 la kalau rasa aku nak mengelak ka apa..
I just dun have no time to spend talking about your married life.
Unless it is a conversation where you really need my shoulder or me time with me, then I am there.
Other than that, 'COUNT ME OUT bitches!!!!'
I only talk about my life with my real friends.
The kinda friends who constantly check on me weekly basis or me checking on them weekly basis.
Though we have separate life, you just still make that little time to be in each other's life and celebrate together.
I am not saying my other friends that I dun be in touch are nothing.
You guys are still something but it is just so tiring to make people understand you and repeating the same old story about everything.
You can ask a lot of my friends who are really close to me how shitty I treat them sometimes.
Especially with my temper and mood swings.
There are many bitches who are really bitchy on the outside but nice on the inside.
And then there's me. The kinda girl who people look and say "Hey, she looks nice." but then when I said or did something that kinda put people off-ed. I'm that kinda bitch.
I ain't gonna change any part of it.
Have I lost friends because of my tempered. I lost many friends and also an ex coz of that.
Do i make any changes along the years?
Yes.. I dun throw book at people's face. Or kick people's ass or punch people's in their hard core tummy when I mad.
That is an improvement.. Believe me.
If this sound harsh or I am acting like an 'Ass' human being.
Yup.. Been there done that.
Just like in 'The Breakfast Club', an old movie directed by John Hughes which I hope people should watch. Which tells the reality of kids in high school.
It is so relatable. Especially when you are as old as myself.
There was this part that was quoted by Allison, "When you grow old, your heart dies".
I think it's true.
I dun see myself any wiser sometimes. I see things clearly but I am not wise. I made mistakes and said the wrong things.
At least i have the guts to say it out loud about my imperfection.
Some colleagues are afraid of me for having strong personality.
I like that I have strong personality. It means I am being taken seriously as person.
That I get things done when I want to get things done.
I have a say. 
I made the difference I seek.
I am a woman who intimidates men.
But I believe there is a man out there who doesn't look at this as a threat.
I am also fat. And still struggling to work my ass off these fats.
But I see guys who are so in love with curvy women.
There is nothing wrong with whatever we are.
To me, the way I see thing is like this:
"Sebaik-baik manusia, ada sikit kejahatan dalam diri dia. Dan sejahat-jahat manusia, ada sikit kebaikan dalam diri dia.."
Memang tak ada benda yang kita boleh klasifikasikan as 'PERFECT 100%'..
And yes, I used to be very particular about perfection and I just stopped.
Penat nak cari. Make life's hard.
I think we just have to make do with whatever we have but we should not really settle. 
Kalau kita rasa kita boleh dapat yang lagi baik, work hard for it. You might get it or you might not..
Sebab Qada' dan Qadar Allah ni.. Takdak sapa tahu.
Just have faith..
Even gay men can change.
Even criminals can chose a different path.
And even a player can change for the right woman.
Exhausting is it being so pessimistic and bitter about every thing?
Dalam hidup ni jangan la terlalu lurus bendul tapi jangan juga nak judge semua orang macam kita ni betul semua benda.
See thing, have your opinions but just keep it to yourself. Until if someone ask for it.
Kita tak payah la nak cerita or canang satu dunia pasal semua benda. Sebab tak semua orang ni husnudzon.
Tapi kita yang boleh husnudzon, sila2 la kekal husnudzon..
Remember, whatever we do today is the gift of tomorrow and after life.
Love but dun overly attached.
Give opinion only if ask.
Lend a shoulder when seek.
I am not bad person nor I am a good person.
I am just a woman who has depression who has been hurt and oppressed and finally implement to react to what I learn so far.
I am not saying what I say is 100% is relevant but this is what I see and can express.
Maaf la ye kawan-kawan yang terasa.
Tak sengaja ye. Tapi faham2 je la ye..
Choww.. Zzzzzz..

DEPRESSION: A SECRET TALE NOT TO BE SHARE

Emotional..

Sensitive..

A train wreck..

Today, my best friend paid a visit..

And I can’t sleep..

Nor I want to awake..

Forlorn.. Misunderstood..

And the tears just keep flowing..

Empty.. That empty space..

Like a hole with a gap that no one knows whom or how..

In a room full of people, feeling empty still..

Looking back at the past, looking at old love..

I left them all but why am I still not happy?

Why is there so many questions and still no answer..

I laid on the floor feeling worthless..

Asking if someone somewhere could save me..

What if I am in a coma?

Will anyone miss me? Remember me?

Hold my hand?

What if I left the world to be rotten on the ground as a corpse?

Will anyone pray for me?

Will anyone cry knowing I am no longer there?

Will anyone remember that I exist?

I spent my days now..

Fulfilling goals to keep myself busy..

As if this material things satisfy my inner needs..

But they don’t and they won’t..

I remembered old faces I called friends..

Can I walk on them and will they recognize me?

A friend or an acquaintance?

I ignored people because it's easy..

Being on my own is easy..

Spending days on bed..

Sleeping..

Look at the sky..

Still something is missing..

And when the sheer of happiness came..

Cover by the cloud of sadness..

I sit on my praying mat..

With dua's and prayers..

I believe and I know and I understand..

These are my 'Qada' and 'Qadar'..

Still that feeling I could not explain is still there..

Just controllable now..

BEING 30 & CLUELESS

Last sunday night, I was watching this movie called 'Clueless'.
A 90's adaptation of Jane Austen's Emma.

This movie always keep me on track to what I am today.
It's not just a movie about you're end up with the guy whatsoever.
But it's more to discovering of what is best for you and what you can be to make the world a better place.

I am going to be 30 in a few days.
Since I was little, I was given a vague idea by my teachers and parents of what I must be and need to be. What is acceptable to the public.
The dream career as the teacher, the engineer, the chef, the businesswoman..
Then came high school, the reality started to hit. And despite the fact I hate drawing and biology, I still wanted to be in Science stream.
Because of thinking of the 2 years of struggle I am about to go through, I decided to go to a technical/vocational school.

I have always love baking and cooking. I was thinking of furthering towards Patisserie extraordinaire but because of what happen during that time, I was asked to drop the idea of selecting that future.
So the only thing left was computer. I love the mysterious ways of computer function. 

Even during high school, I love tinkering my house computer just to see the inside components.
After further thoughts,I chose to take electric and electronics engineering. 
That is when my parents decided my fate as an engineer.
So I thought perhaps it is my dream path. I followed along until I finished high school.
I finally realized how I love history and English. How I really love to read and memorize things.  
And me and my wishful thinking of becoming a lawyer . Despite the fact I am a very passive person and introvert. Furthermore, I never felt like I really understand fully of whatever I was learning during SPM. I felt like being engineer was not for me.

Thus, I applied for law but I was rejected by all public universities.
I remember ended up crying to my mum. As a backup I also did applied to Politeknik as well.
And yes, I got into Politeknik Seberang Perai. As a computer technology engineering student.
The weird part is I excelled during my diploma years. I was a really confident person and no one can stop me.
Due to my boost up confident, I planned my whole life at 20 years old.
There I were thinking and decided to be a computer engineer. 
And I was gonna get married to some guy at 25 years old. I was so stuck up by the idea of how I am the best woman during that time.

Until I met the wrong man. Fell in love hard and got sidetracked. 
So my 25 years old self that I plan to have fell through.
When I finished diploma at 21 years old, I really got tired of engineering. I really would like to be rid of it.
But my parents and my then ex boyfriend wanted me to be an engineer coz they think that is what's best for me. When in honest truth, I really wanna learn more about English. Learning English literature. Fall in love with the beauty of poetry and the gentleness of the classic literature. 
But the stupid me was easily influenced by what others said.
I gave up on that dream because everyone said you had to think of what can give you more money and better future. For my ex, learning English was a waste since I was already good at it.
Looking back today, I think my life would have been a big difference if I have chosen a different path. I might doing something different but makes me happier. Perhaps, meet the love of my life.

Still, I have no regrets. If I haven't make the wrong choice, I would not have met my Uniten friends, Eliy, Awis, Emran, Amssam,Apatt and Wan and Ainie and Husna. 

My degree years were not wasted because of them. Maybe I dun end up graduating to the field of my dreams but those years are what build me up to be 'The Me' today
I struggled for a year and almost give up. But good friends pick you up and keep pushing you to be better.
Alhamdulillah, the degree I have today is because of them. Those people was my rock. And Eliy, Emran and Awis are still the best advisor I could always depend on.

I know in a few days, I'll be 30. Everytime I think and I knew what I wanted, I will always end up clueless to what I want.
You said to yourself and your best friend that you want this and that but when it comes to the point of deciding, you can't make the choice.
And only on that moment, I realized how truly clueless I am. I have not yet figure out what I want.
But at the moment, I am at the right place. I love IT.
I will not choose any other field but deep down, my wishful self dream of being able to do anything at that moment without fear coz it makes me happy.

As 30 hits me, I can finally admit, I am a multi-potentialite. All I want to be in honest truth is to be happy. Even if it means with just me,myself and I.Working hard today so I can finally be whatever my heart and choices are at that moment. Working and travelling, these are what I so really wanted.
For now, it is just being single. Travel and discover what Allah leads me to. Meeting interesting people and have real freedom. 

I know I should be with someone. Settle down. But I seriously have no intentions to be with anyone.
My heart is still bruised by the last boy who broke it. And it is still very much in love with him.
I am not running from anything. I just live everyday for whatever it may bring me.
Because happiness is through what ever makes you smile and happy.
Living in the moment. Knowing and believing that Allah put you exactly where you belong.
Amin.

2018 LIFE LESSON

I just came back from my diving trip in Pulau perhentian..
Which is awesome..
Diving sites are extremely pretty and beautiful..
Today i’m on mc and it’s friday night..
I can’t help thinking of how blessed i am today..
Alhamdulillah..
Allah basically gave me a tremendous blessings..
I realized and learn some things..

1. No one or nothing is permanent.. i finally came to terms that friendship that once you thought will last a lifetime could end. That guy you think will be part of your future now became your stranger.
2. New food, friend and life and hobbies..
I realized that travelling helps me to meet new people. Experience life and food. I meet people who made me laugh or searching the same thing that i am searching for. How a stranger feels more of a friend than your real friends.. How new things/activities help you in daily life struggles.
I am very stressful with work these days. Dun get me wrong. I love my job despite the stres.but i dun like the company of people i have. So when i went diving and meet up with this new faces who put a smile on my face. I felt more at home with them then elsewhere. It’s weird but i love it that way..
3. A home is not a place but a feeling
Penang is not my home. It stopped being my home for many years. A home to me is where my heart felt at most happy.. with my friends or work or something.. a home to me can be when i am down bottom on the ocean swimming with the fish..i love diving and also hiking.. both makes me more alive than anything inthe world.. scuba diving taught me to breathe and that’s how life is.. you just gotta breathe and then live.. Hiking brought you sweats and tiredness but the reward is priceless.. tat feeling when you are up there and listening to wind.. Hiking is how i viewed success.. because success do not happen overnight.. you gotta put in the effort and work and only then you will see the finishing line and receiving your prize..
4. Being single is the best thing in my life..
The revelation of the truths had kept me to understand that Allah is always the best planner..
So what if everyone has their own man or kids and you dun? Does it make me less establish as a woman? No.. this is my reality.. this is what Allah has in stored for me.. Allah does  not want me to settle for less than i deserve because anyone who knows me know that i am a person who would give my all to people i love.. just dun hurt me.. i love the fact that i am able to execute my plan.. i woke to stress free life.. soaking in my freedom doing things i love.. sure i am more further away than my married friends.. can you blame me? All you guys talk is about your kids.. i get it, your kids are your world.. and i love babies.. just that i felt like people who are married forget about their own dreams and just choose the easy way out.. not trying to strive harder reaching out for their dream.. dun ever blame your kids to stop you from reaching your dreams..and stop telling me i have an easy life when in actual fact you wish for my life..
5. People will keep talking and judging you
This part.. i am guilty as charges.. i also judged others.. i stopped living for a year trying to think how i can win affection of a man who stopped giving shit. In actual truth, he was super judging me..
Then i finally accept that he has always been judge by others. So I decided not to judge him and wish him the best in life.. in the end the only person i care is myself..
will continue once i finished with stuff

PERFECTLY UNMARRIED

What i’m about to write might insult married couples but i hope they will not take any offenses..

I realized the kinda man i rather spend my life with..

But in actual truth, i am trully happy not being married..

I mean i do have days i wish and dream of being married..

Used to have..

These days, i love the fact that i can focus on my career..

Go on trips..

Meet new people..

Experience new things..

To focus on achieving my goals and visions..

I understand now that Allah really does has bigger plans..

I was not meant with the previous guys because they are not the right man for me..

I went diving and i realized that it takes somethings to really helpnyou heal..

New faces to bring joy and fix your scars and wounds..

Surrounded by gorgeous males..

Being taking care of..

Weird but actually amusing..

I am in love with the place and the people..

Thank you so much amazing people in Perhentian..

You helped me healed and gained happiness and smiles through ky cacation days..

For once, i only think about breathing for me..

Living for me..

And here i am at home, missing everyone and the sea..

Not every good things last..

I get that..

I can accept the fact..

But i will strive more happiness coming forward..

Coz i now valued myself highly..

I deserved this happiness..

I want to stay positively happy..

Spreading happiness..

And i will keep doing extreme things that makes me alive..

Because that adrenaline rush makes me feel more alive than any feeling in the world..

And i finally able to smile and laugh again with people i truly feel like a family..

For now, dun tell me i need to get marry or settle down..

I dun see myself being part of another person’s life..

I either get too attached or wounded..

I dun think having a husband will bring me the greatest joy..

Being marry brings out obligation..

Following orders..

I can follow but i’m not sure i am able to find the right man to lead..

Coz the men i used to want are either taken or married..

Or used me..

This bubble is my safety net..

I am not ready to get out of it..

I am happy.. happy unmarried.. perfectly unmarried..