2018 LIFE LESSON

I just came back from my diving trip in Pulau perhentian..
Which is awesome..
Diving sites are extremely pretty and beautiful..
Today i’m on mc and it’s friday night..
I can’t help thinking of how blessed i am today..
Alhamdulillah..
Allah basically gave me a tremendous blessings..
I realized and learn some things..

1. No one or nothing is permanent.. i finally came to terms that friendship that once you thought will last a lifetime could end. That guy you think will be part of your future now became your stranger.
2. New food, friend and life and hobbies..
I realized that travelling helps me to meet new people. Experience life and food. I meet people who made me laugh or searching the same thing that i am searching for. How a stranger feels more of a friend than your real friends.. How new things/activities help you in daily life struggles.
I am very stressful with work these days. Dun get me wrong. I love my job despite the stres.but i dun like the company of people i have. So when i went diving and meet up with this new faces who put a smile on my face. I felt more at home with them then elsewhere. It’s weird but i love it that way..
3. A home is not a place but a feeling
Penang is not my home. It stopped being my home for many years. A home to me is where my heart felt at most happy.. with my friends or work or something.. a home to me can be when i am down bottom on the ocean swimming with the fish..i love diving and also hiking.. both makes me more alive than anything inthe world.. scuba diving taught me to breathe and that’s how life is.. you just gotta breathe and then live.. Hiking brought you sweats and tiredness but the reward is priceless.. tat feeling when you are up there and listening to wind.. Hiking is how i viewed success.. because success do not happen overnight.. you gotta put in the effort and work and only then you will see the finishing line and receiving your prize..
4. Being single is the best thing in my life..
The revelation of the truths had kept me to understand that Allah is always the best planner..
So what if everyone has their own man or kids and you dun? Does it make me less establish as a woman? No.. this is my reality.. this is what Allah has in stored for me.. Allah does  not want me to settle for less than i deserve because anyone who knows me know that i am a person who would give my all to people i love.. just dun hurt me.. i love the fact that i am able to execute my plan.. i woke to stress free life.. soaking in my freedom doing things i love.. sure i am more further away than my married friends.. can you blame me? All you guys talk is about your kids.. i get it, your kids are your world.. and i love babies.. just that i felt like people who are married forget about their own dreams and just choose the easy way out.. not trying to strive harder reaching out for their dream.. dun ever blame your kids to stop you from reaching your dreams..and stop telling me i have an easy life when in actual fact you wish for my life..
5. People will keep talking and judging you
This part.. i am guilty as charges.. i also judged others.. i stopped living for a year trying to think how i can win affection of a man who stopped giving shit. In actual truth, he was super judging me..
Then i finally accept that he has always been judge by others. So I decided not to judge him and wish him the best in life.. in the end the only person i care is myself..
will continue once i finished with stuff

PERFECTLY UNMARRIED

What i’m about to write might insult married couples but i hope they will not take any offenses..

I realized the kinda man i rather spend my life with..

But in actual truth, i am trully happy not being married..

I mean i do have days i wish and dream of being married..

Used to have..

These days, i love the fact that i can focus on my career..

Go on trips..

Meet new people..

Experience new things..

To focus on achieving my goals and visions..

I understand now that Allah really does has bigger plans..

I was not meant with the previous guys because they are not the right man for me..

I went diving and i realized that it takes somethings to really helpnyou heal..

New faces to bring joy and fix your scars and wounds..

Surrounded by gorgeous males..

Being taking care of..

Weird but actually amusing..

I am in love with the place and the people..

Thank you so much amazing people in Perhentian..

You helped me healed and gained happiness and smiles through ky cacation days..

For once, i only think about breathing for me..

Living for me..

And here i am at home, missing everyone and the sea..

Not every good things last..

I get that..

I can accept the fact..

But i will strive more happiness coming forward..

Coz i now valued myself highly..

I deserved this happiness..

I want to stay positively happy..

Spreading happiness..

And i will keep doing extreme things that makes me alive..

Because that adrenaline rush makes me feel more alive than any feeling in the world..

And i finally able to smile and laugh again with people i truly feel like a family..

For now, dun tell me i need to get marry or settle down..

I dun see myself being part of another person’s life..

I either get too attached or wounded..

I dun think having a husband will bring me the greatest joy..

Being marry brings out obligation..

Following orders..

I can follow but i’m not sure i am able to find the right man to lead..

Coz the men i used to want are either taken or married..

Or used me..

This bubble is my safety net..

I am not ready to get out of it..

I am happy.. happy unmarried.. perfectly unmarried..

DEAR EX.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Happy birthday..

I remember.. I know you will not read this or bother..

I can’t show any sign of weakness to anyone..

A year ago, I decided to solo travel from Phi-phi to Koh Lanta then to Phuket.

Just to forget you..

I even baked you that brownie. Even when my heart is broken, i still wanna make you happy..

I dunno how you feel this year..

Of course, i would love to surprise you..

But i am no longer part of your life..

You have Piqah and other people you care about..

I hope they treat you right..

Once a person broke your heart, you automatically build up this huge wall..

With sharp fences.. I can’t allow myself to come in again..

I have close that door and you already locked me out of your life..

And i.. i end up hating you.. i built my ego because you wounded my heart..

I wish i could forgive you and Piqah.. maybe someday but not today..

I remember both of your birthdays.. Since you both hurt me.. i just dun bother to show or wish..

A year gone by.. But it seems yesterday, you left me.. telling me you no longer felt the same way.. 

i miss u assholes but i get it,, you dun love me.. you never have feelings.. and i must keep reminding myself that you are gone..

A year goes by..

But i am still here..

Unable to give my wounded heart to anyone..

Whenever i tried to be happy, you appear..

And I got so angryand yes, i ended up crying..

For you it was a game of boredom..

To me, you were the future i seek..

Now.. i show a fake face so the world does not question or hurt you..

Let it be me.. always me who loves you more than anyone could..

And you would say.. why is she so obsessing over me..

I am not gonna explain.. it’s a secret between me and HIM..may Allah ease our journey.. amin..

THE TWO MEET UP

Ujian dunia..
Jangan terlalu kuat menyayangi seseorang..
Hati manusia..
Hari ni sayang.. Esok menghilang..
Setahun.. dia pergi tinggalkan aku..
Aku bawa diri.. Tinggalkan dia..
Terima yang dia bukan untukku..
Aku bina kerjaya aku..
Aku tunaikan setiap keinginan aku..
Aku bina kehidupan aku..
Aku ingat aku super woman..
Aku ingat aku dah benar2 move on..
Tapi realitinya hari ni Allah duga aku kembali..
Setelah setahun, rupa-rupa nya parut tu masih belum sembuh..
Pertama kali, aku bersyukur aku dalam kereta baru aku.
Dia tak nampak atau perasan..
Kali kedua.. Dia nampak aku dengan jelas..
Aku terus gelabah..
Dan terus patah balik dan pergi..
Perasaan aku tu tak mampu aku ungkapkan..
I can only say this..
After all this time..
I feel hurt, angry, sad..
I wish i could just feel ok
Just feel numb
He hurt me so much..
He was the love of my life and I..
I lost him..
And today, it's like a repetition of all the thing i am trying so hard to get rid off..
I wish i could just have an amnesia and forget..
I miss him so much but it hurts more seeing him..
Trying to react when all i feel is pain and like a stab to my heart..
You broke my heart asshole..
Why do you have to ruin my perfect day?
Why you have to appear in front of me?
I hate you so much..
I prayed so hard not to see you ever again.
But no..
I am accepting the fact. This reality..
I love you..
You are and always be the love of my life.
I dun hope or wish..
I am trying..Really trying to let you go..
But ya Allah.. please.. Oh please don't let me meet him again..
Ever..
Please.
I beg of you..
I wanna let him be at peace..
I want peace.. I want to be happy..
I'm sorry but you really hurt me..
And I can't and I won't.
I promise to never ever appear in front of you..
Because I had accepted this truth..
Good bye..

YOLO

YOLO - You only live once

Or in other words, Carpe Diem

I am a real day dreamer in day
Heavy thinker at nights
Always end up having weird dreams sometimes

Few years back.
I read an article how an old man on his death bed wishing and regretting not being able to do many things, say things he should had said, see things that he should had seen.
So many regrets. Regretting not telling someone you love them. Regretting not being able to do something differently. 
It got me to thinking. I kept saying of doing things and I end up not doing it.
It then got me frustrated coz I was not living up to my expectation.

Thus, since that day, this lady think ahead and just do. 
I will try my best to avoid saying it.
I will just do it first and once it is done, I'll just spread the words.
Not to boast at others but more like proud of my own self to have courage to do things that people are having hard time to implement or take action.

So How to live life fully?
1. Dream
2. List your bucket list
3. Do research
4. Have a basic plan and understanding of what you will do
5. Take action. Just do it!
6. Take picture for reminder that it was not a dream, YOU DID IT!!!
7. Share your experience but not to boast and more like inspire people and give them guidance.
8. Wake up everyday telling yourself that it will be an awesome day and promise yourself that you will be happy today.
9. When you are down, look for the things even if it is a baby's laugh to make you smile.
10. Goof of, do some pranks, make jokes, do something crazy with anyone or your loved ones
11. Give back to others in any way possible either in financial or things that they need or pay for their food
12. Join a volunteer programme. This is to cleanse your inner self by being kind to other humans
13. Look back and reflect. Turn any regrets to moments of clarity of what you need to improve for your future self benefits.
14. Always spread positivity. Especially when there is too much negativity aura in the room, you gotta turn it up to something positive. Be the voice of reason or ambassador of good will.
15. Fulfill your bucket lists and travel and learn other language if needed

I am no professor or doctor. I've got no PHD or a master degree. I have my moments.
But I think so far I dun feel like committing suicide. I still have depression but those 15 things are what keeps me going. There is no such thing as quitting. Keep fighting. Work smart. Steadfast.
And yes, always love yourself first.

When you think your life sucks, realize somewhere some family has not even eaten for a week and still smile like they are full.

MASIH AKU

Tatkala hati mu berkelana..
Mencari yang lain..
Aku masih di sini..
Menatap memori aku dan kamu..
Pengharapan yang masih ada..
Hanya aku..
Tidak kamu..

Aku menjauh..
Tinggalkan kamu demi bahagia mu..
Aku tanpa henti berbicara dengan Ilahi..
Tentang kamu..
Hanya Allah tahu setiap yang aku tak mampu ungkap lagi..
Pada kamu..
Pada sesiapa..
Rindu aku, aku telan dan akuluahkan padaNya..

Aku langkah ke depan..
Dengan memaksa hati yang degil ini..
Aku buka lembaran baru di dunia yang aku asalnya tinggalkan..
Tapi kini dunia ini tempurung aku..
Lari dari bayangan mu..
Tapi kamu.. Kenapa kamu?
Kepingin hatiku buat kamu..
Selalu kamu..
Seolah-olah lelaki lain tak wujud..
Kau dan aku berbeza..
Dunia kita berbeza..
Jauhnya aku dan kamu..
Aku berbekalkan janji untuk tak kembali dalam hidup mu lagi..

Penghujung 2017..
Aku tatap gambar kamu..
Aku ingin luahkan sepenuh hati pada mu..
Tapi lihat kamu senyum..
Aku sedar aku sudah pudar dari hatimu..
Adakah aku masih hinggap di hatimu?
Adakah aku beri kan kamu senyum?
Atau hanya duka dan lara?
Aku henti.. Aku paksa..
Apa aku rasa.. Adakah penting lagi untuk luahkan padamu?
Cerita aku dalam hidup mu dah lama kau tutup..

Dan akhirnya aku diam..
Aku diam..
Berjanji takkan aku sebut lagi nama di khalayak siapa pun..
Dan hanya dalam sujudku..
Dalam doaku padaNya..
Malahan aku berhenti fikirkan mu..
Aku paksa diri aku lupakan kamu..
Tapi kamu masih muncul..
Dalam mimpi ku..
Ternyata diam itu benar..
Aku takkan lukakan kamu..
Tak ingin lagi lihat senyuman mu hilang.
Aku harap Dia dekat di hatimu..
Aku harap kamu damba Dia..
Kerna Dia aku ketemu mu..
Kerna Dia aku lepaskan mu..
Kerna Dia aku akan bebaskan sauh mu..

Sayang tapi tak ada makna lagi..
Kamu tiada lagi..
Kamu tidak akan hadir...
Akhirnya aku akur..
Kamu adalah koleksi yang meninggalkan aku dan aku tinggalkan..
Aku akhirnya dilupakan dan kamu akan aku lupakan..
Setahun berlalu tapi kamu masih di hati aku..
Masih aku...

HELLO 2018

It's 2018!!

Are you ready for something new?

New year's eve was such a bummer.
I spent my quiet new year's eve, thinking. Overthinking to be exact.

Every end of the year, people keep coming up with some new year's resolution whatsoever.
Bruhh.. I've got none.

But what I can tell you is, out of the so many resolution for 2017, this girl here was able to complete some out of the whole list.

Not gonna talk about the 2017 list of resolution. That is so L.A.S.T Y.E.A.R!!!

Let's be realistic people.

This year, I'll be hitting the 3 series and hopefully I'm able to hit it big like BMW series..

I'm gonna stick myself to writing bashfully this year.

My bucketlist so far includes:

1. Solo trips
2. Ziplining
3. Volunteering 
4. Half marathon (every god-damn year)
5. Travel 5 countries
6. Canyoneering
7. Hike more places
8. Buy a bicycle
9. Buy a new phone
10. Self-development

FUTURE PLANS?

This has nothing to do with marriage.
Let's talk about assets and financial plan.

Have you ever have your 5 years plan or 10 years?

Translation:
Things that you need to have before 35:
1. A comfortable home
2. 2 houses for investment
3. 6 months salary saving
4. Monthly savings
5. A good car




I think this is just not for guys.
I dun understand some girls, I know as a Muslimah that I will be dependent on my future husband.
After all, it is a man's responsibility to provide shelter, food and clothing.

As we are coming to an era where we have a very unstable financial and economic growth, I think women need to play their part as well.

I disagree when a woman said, "It's ok if I don't work, I have my man to support me"
Seriously..
And what is with the "I'm married so my life is solely for my family and husband"

What's with that? I mean, "COME ON!!!"
Before there was a guy, there was future goals which include your interest and your career.
As I watched many of my friends entering a new phase called 'Marriage' and how everything change.
With babies and in laws and your husband.
I think women in Malaysia gave too much for others and until they forget about their dream and goals.

I used to be those kinda woman. I put solely everything for a man. And making sacrifices only to be pointed that they never ask me to do it in the first place. 
What I really hate is the fact that the men I dated keep pressuring me to change for them.
And the best move I always do is just to walkaway and leave.

I mean, sure.. I miss my ex and still very much in love with him.
Anyways, he broke up with me. It does caught me by surprise because I usually will be the one who break things. Holla!!

When I am in love, I will go through this phase where I will give my whole focus to a man.
And I lost sight of things. But it took this man to make me realize, I am not ready to settle down.
I feel so tired for really focusing a lot on temporary men.

Though my parents pressuring me to marriage but I refused to succumb to what people expected of me. For 29 years living and breathing, I have always been a people person but I am very selfish with my family. To be honest.

When it comes to friends and people, I am benevolent in giving to others' needs more than my own.
Including understanding one's feelings.

Yesterday, I was contemplating with myself to do a drunk call (pretend drunk call as I don't drink) to my ex. Because of so much anger and madness within me. Things I should have said a year ago to his face. Apparently he has his closure. He said whatever he needed to say. But I didn't.
I bottled everything up.

Then I stalked him up. I must be crazy to post this publicly. It's social media dark side people!
I mean I look at his new posts. And it hit me. He is happy. And that was all I ever pray for him.
I realized if I did what I wanna do just coz I am hurt and in pain, I will then feel guilty afterwards and I will hurt him again with my stupid closure confession.

Sure.. He hurt me. My housemate hurt me. But what's new?
Will it be worth it to say all those mean things I kept inside my heart and head?
No, it isn't if it costing someone else's misery and pain and more scars. He is healing.
I'm not.
I think it is selfish of me to hurt others just so I could feel better about myself.
So I chickened out. 
And the best gift I could give myself is to have pride and dignity.
I know most people will keep telling me to let go and that I will be happy.
I know I would.
1 year has gone by after the breakup. I have been carrying an anchor on my back for all this time.
I moved forward with my life. Changed jobs and buy things I need for my future.
Still. Every time I wanna feel happy or if I laugh, I stopped myself feeling I don't deserve to be happy..
For months, I shut myself from people. Building walls. Going through many turmoils of depression. 
Feeling afraid to get attached or closed to people coz they can hurt you.

When one of my closest friend got married recently, I felt utterly lost in a way that I think I lost a shield and an adviser. He always say the right things and able to calm me down. We always tease each other and play jokes. I am happy that he finally has his queen. And he said, "Someday I will find my king and that all the pain and waiting is gonna be worth it"
But I replied, "I am just so tired of the same thing. Being treated like an option. That maybe I was created to give love instead to receive it".

I strongly believe in this. There are many people I walked away after being hurt by them.
You always thought these people will stay forever in your life but once they break you and you lost trust in them, you could never be part of their lives again. You would see them from afar and say hi but there could never be that warmth bonding moments that you used to have.

I never go back to what broke me. Because lessons learnt, they will keep break you again and again.
Only if they fight hard to make you stay. Then, you stay. 
It is only people who loves and forgives and embraces your craziness are the ones worth staying for. 
I proudly can say I have those people. And I intend to stay part of their lives.

As the new year comes, I know I will meet more new acquaintances but now I understand and accept that not all will stay. This is who I am and I will not change but will grow indifferently to what is expect of me and never others. No one can change me, not even my own family and friends. 
I know only Allah can. I dun care anymore if people leave coz they can't stand my behaviour. 
Just leave. It really took me everything to build me.

2018 is a year of growth. I love myself and I intend to stay single and focus on my personal growth.
And I refused to settle down. And if a man can't accept me for what I am, there is only 1 door and it is the EXIT.

Dear Women,

Do not settle down for anything less than you deserve. 
Do not let the world pressure you to be something you dun wanna be.
Be proud of what you are and what you achieve.
Try to learn to love yourself from your head to toe, from your inner soul to the depths of your heart.
Do not jump or depend on other's for happiness because all you ever feel is frustration.
Lean on Allah and have faith on those who loves you just the way you are.
And finally, never stop fighting for your dreams and ambitions.
No men should held you down.
And as L'Oreal says, "Because you're worth it" 
Happy New Year 2018. Let's start anew.