BEING 30 & CLUELESS

Last sunday night, I was watching this movie called 'Clueless'.
A 90's adaptation of Jane Austen's Emma.

This movie always keep me on track to what I am today.
It's not just a movie about you're end up with the guy whatsoever.
But it's more to discovering of what is best for you and what you can be to make the world a better place.

I am going to be 30 in a few days.
Since I was little, I was given a vague idea by my teachers and parents of what I must be and need to be. What is acceptable to the public.
The dream career as the teacher, the engineer, the chef, the businesswoman..
Then came high school, the reality started to hit. And despite the fact I hate drawing and biology, I still wanted to be in Science stream.
Because of thinking of the 2 years of struggle I am about to go through, I decided to go to a technical/vocational school.

I have always love baking and cooking. I was thinking of furthering towards Patisserie extraordinaire but because of what happen during that time, I was asked to drop the idea of selecting that future.
So the only thing left was computer. I love the mysterious ways of computer function. 

Even during high school, I love tinkering my house computer just to see the inside components.
After further thoughts,I chose to take electric and electronics engineering. 
That is when my parents decided my fate as an engineer.
So I thought perhaps it is my dream path. I followed along until I finished high school.
I finally realized how I love history and English. How I really love to read and memorize things.  
And me and my wishful thinking of becoming a lawyer . Despite the fact I am a very passive person and introvert. Furthermore, I never felt like I really understand fully of whatever I was learning during SPM. I felt like being engineer was not for me.

Thus, I applied for law but I was rejected by all public universities.
I remember ended up crying to my mum. As a backup I also did applied to Politeknik as well.
And yes, I got into Politeknik Seberang Perai. As a computer technology engineering student.
The weird part is I excelled during my diploma years. I was a really confident person and no one can stop me.
Due to my boost up confident, I planned my whole life at 20 years old.
There I were thinking and decided to be a computer engineer. 
And I was gonna get married to some guy at 25 years old. I was so stuck up by the idea of how I am the best woman during that time.

Until I met the wrong man. Fell in love hard and got sidetracked. 
So my 25 years old self that I plan to have fell through.
When I finished diploma at 21 years old, I really got tired of engineering. I really would like to be rid of it.
But my parents and my then ex boyfriend wanted me to be an engineer coz they think that is what's best for me. When in honest truth, I really wanna learn more about English. Learning English literature. Fall in love with the beauty of poetry and the gentleness of the classic literature. 
But the stupid me was easily influenced by what others said.
I gave up on that dream because everyone said you had to think of what can give you more money and better future. For my ex, learning English was a waste since I was already good at it.
Looking back today, I think my life would have been a big difference if I have chosen a different path. I might doing something different but makes me happier. Perhaps, meet the love of my life.

Still, I have no regrets. If I haven't make the wrong choice, I would not have met my Uniten friends, Eliy, Awis, Emran, Amssam,Apatt and Wan and Ainie and Husna. 

My degree years were not wasted because of them. Maybe I dun end up graduating to the field of my dreams but those years are what build me up to be 'The Me' today
I struggled for a year and almost give up. But good friends pick you up and keep pushing you to be better.
Alhamdulillah, the degree I have today is because of them. Those people was my rock. And Eliy, Emran and Awis are still the best advisor I could always depend on.

I know in a few days, I'll be 30. Everytime I think and I knew what I wanted, I will always end up clueless to what I want.
You said to yourself and your best friend that you want this and that but when it comes to the point of deciding, you can't make the choice.
And only on that moment, I realized how truly clueless I am. I have not yet figure out what I want.
But at the moment, I am at the right place. I love IT.
I will not choose any other field but deep down, my wishful self dream of being able to do anything at that moment without fear coz it makes me happy.

As 30 hits me, I can finally admit, I am a multi-potentialite. All I want to be in honest truth is to be happy. Even if it means with just me,myself and I.Working hard today so I can finally be whatever my heart and choices are at that moment. Working and travelling, these are what I so really wanted.
For now, it is just being single. Travel and discover what Allah leads me to. Meeting interesting people and have real freedom. 

I know I should be with someone. Settle down. But I seriously have no intentions to be with anyone.
My heart is still bruised by the last boy who broke it. And it is still very much in love with him.
I am not running from anything. I just live everyday for whatever it may bring me.
Because happiness is through what ever makes you smile and happy.
Living in the moment. Knowing and believing that Allah put you exactly where you belong.
Amin.

2018 LIFE LESSON

I just came back from my diving trip in Pulau perhentian..
Which is awesome..
Diving sites are extremely pretty and beautiful..
Today i’m on mc and it’s friday night..
I can’t help thinking of how blessed i am today..
Alhamdulillah..
Allah basically gave me a tremendous blessings..
I realized and learn some things..

1. No one or nothing is permanent.. i finally came to terms that friendship that once you thought will last a lifetime could end. That guy you think will be part of your future now became your stranger.
2. New food, friend and life and hobbies..
I realized that travelling helps me to meet new people. Experience life and food. I meet people who made me laugh or searching the same thing that i am searching for. How a stranger feels more of a friend than your real friends.. How new things/activities help you in daily life struggles.
I am very stressful with work these days. Dun get me wrong. I love my job despite the stres.but i dun like the company of people i have. So when i went diving and meet up with this new faces who put a smile on my face. I felt more at home with them then elsewhere. It’s weird but i love it that way..
3. A home is not a place but a feeling
Penang is not my home. It stopped being my home for many years. A home to me is where my heart felt at most happy.. with my friends or work or something.. a home to me can be when i am down bottom on the ocean swimming with the fish..i love diving and also hiking.. both makes me more alive than anything inthe world.. scuba diving taught me to breathe and that’s how life is.. you just gotta breathe and then live.. Hiking brought you sweats and tiredness but the reward is priceless.. tat feeling when you are up there and listening to wind.. Hiking is how i viewed success.. because success do not happen overnight.. you gotta put in the effort and work and only then you will see the finishing line and receiving your prize..
4. Being single is the best thing in my life..
The revelation of the truths had kept me to understand that Allah is always the best planner..
So what if everyone has their own man or kids and you dun? Does it make me less establish as a woman? No.. this is my reality.. this is what Allah has in stored for me.. Allah does  not want me to settle for less than i deserve because anyone who knows me know that i am a person who would give my all to people i love.. just dun hurt me.. i love the fact that i am able to execute my plan.. i woke to stress free life.. soaking in my freedom doing things i love.. sure i am more further away than my married friends.. can you blame me? All you guys talk is about your kids.. i get it, your kids are your world.. and i love babies.. just that i felt like people who are married forget about their own dreams and just choose the easy way out.. not trying to strive harder reaching out for their dream.. dun ever blame your kids to stop you from reaching your dreams..and stop telling me i have an easy life when in actual fact you wish for my life..
5. People will keep talking and judging you
This part.. i am guilty as charges.. i also judged others.. i stopped living for a year trying to think how i can win affection of a man who stopped giving shit. In actual truth, he was super judging me..
Then i finally accept that he has always been judge by others. So I decided not to judge him and wish him the best in life.. in the end the only person i care is myself..
will continue once i finished with stuff

PERFECTLY UNMARRIED

What i’m about to write might insult married couples but i hope they will not take any offenses..

I realized the kinda man i rather spend my life with..

But in actual truth, i am trully happy not being married..

I mean i do have days i wish and dream of being married..

Used to have..

These days, i love the fact that i can focus on my career..

Go on trips..

Meet new people..

Experience new things..

To focus on achieving my goals and visions..

I understand now that Allah really does has bigger plans..

I was not meant with the previous guys because they are not the right man for me..

I went diving and i realized that it takes somethings to really helpnyou heal..

New faces to bring joy and fix your scars and wounds..

Surrounded by gorgeous males..

Being taking care of..

Weird but actually amusing..

I am in love with the place and the people..

Thank you so much amazing people in Perhentian..

You helped me healed and gained happiness and smiles through ky cacation days..

For once, i only think about breathing for me..

Living for me..

And here i am at home, missing everyone and the sea..

Not every good things last..

I get that..

I can accept the fact..

But i will strive more happiness coming forward..

Coz i now valued myself highly..

I deserved this happiness..

I want to stay positively happy..

Spreading happiness..

And i will keep doing extreme things that makes me alive..

Because that adrenaline rush makes me feel more alive than any feeling in the world..

And i finally able to smile and laugh again with people i truly feel like a family..

For now, dun tell me i need to get marry or settle down..

I dun see myself being part of another person’s life..

I either get too attached or wounded..

I dun think having a husband will bring me the greatest joy..

Being marry brings out obligation..

Following orders..

I can follow but i’m not sure i am able to find the right man to lead..

Coz the men i used to want are either taken or married..

Or used me..

This bubble is my safety net..

I am not ready to get out of it..

I am happy.. happy unmarried.. perfectly unmarried..

DEAR EX.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Happy birthday..

I remember.. I know you will not read this or bother..

I can’t show any sign of weakness to anyone..

A year ago, I decided to solo travel from Phi-phi to Koh Lanta then to Phuket.

Just to forget you..

I even baked you that brownie. Even when my heart is broken, i still wanna make you happy..

I dunno how you feel this year..

Of course, i would love to surprise you..

But i am no longer part of your life..

You have Piqah and other people you care about..

I hope they treat you right..

Once a person broke your heart, you automatically build up this huge wall..

With sharp fences.. I can’t allow myself to come in again..

I have close that door and you already locked me out of your life..

And i.. i end up hating you.. i built my ego because you wounded my heart..

I wish i could forgive you and Piqah.. maybe someday but not today..

I remember both of your birthdays.. Since you both hurt me.. i just dun bother to show or wish..

A year gone by.. But it seems yesterday, you left me.. telling me you no longer felt the same way.. 

i miss u assholes but i get it,, you dun love me.. you never have feelings.. and i must keep reminding myself that you are gone..

A year goes by..

But i am still here..

Unable to give my wounded heart to anyone..

Whenever i tried to be happy, you appear..

And I got so angryand yes, i ended up crying..

For you it was a game of boredom..

To me, you were the future i seek..

Now.. i show a fake face so the world does not question or hurt you..

Let it be me.. always me who loves you more than anyone could..

And you would say.. why is she so obsessing over me..

I am not gonna explain.. it’s a secret between me and HIM..may Allah ease our journey.. amin..

THE TWO MEET UP

Ujian dunia..
Jangan terlalu kuat menyayangi seseorang..
Hati manusia..
Hari ni sayang.. Esok menghilang..
Setahun.. dia pergi tinggalkan aku..
Aku bawa diri.. Tinggalkan dia..
Terima yang dia bukan untukku..
Aku bina kerjaya aku..
Aku tunaikan setiap keinginan aku..
Aku bina kehidupan aku..
Aku ingat aku super woman..
Aku ingat aku dah benar2 move on..
Tapi realitinya hari ni Allah duga aku kembali..
Setelah setahun, rupa-rupa nya parut tu masih belum sembuh..
Pertama kali, aku bersyukur aku dalam kereta baru aku.
Dia tak nampak atau perasan..
Kali kedua.. Dia nampak aku dengan jelas..
Aku terus gelabah..
Dan terus patah balik dan pergi..
Perasaan aku tu tak mampu aku ungkapkan..
I can only say this..
After all this time..
I feel hurt, angry, sad..
I wish i could just feel ok
Just feel numb
He hurt me so much..
He was the love of my life and I..
I lost him..
And today, it's like a repetition of all the thing i am trying so hard to get rid off..
I wish i could just have an amnesia and forget..
I miss him so much but it hurts more seeing him..
Trying to react when all i feel is pain and like a stab to my heart..
You broke my heart asshole..
Why do you have to ruin my perfect day?
Why you have to appear in front of me?
I hate you so much..
I prayed so hard not to see you ever again.
But no..
I am accepting the fact. This reality..
I love you..
You are and always be the love of my life.
I dun hope or wish..
I am trying..Really trying to let you go..
But ya Allah.. please.. Oh please don't let me meet him again..
Ever..
Please.
I beg of you..
I wanna let him be at peace..
I want peace.. I want to be happy..
I'm sorry but you really hurt me..
And I can't and I won't.
I promise to never ever appear in front of you..
Because I had accepted this truth..
Good bye..

YOLO

YOLO - You only live once

Or in other words, Carpe Diem

I am a real day dreamer in day
Heavy thinker at nights
Always end up having weird dreams sometimes

Few years back.
I read an article how an old man on his death bed wishing and regretting not being able to do many things, say things he should had said, see things that he should had seen.
So many regrets. Regretting not telling someone you love them. Regretting not being able to do something differently. 
It got me to thinking. I kept saying of doing things and I end up not doing it.
It then got me frustrated coz I was not living up to my expectation.

Thus, since that day, this lady think ahead and just do. 
I will try my best to avoid saying it.
I will just do it first and once it is done, I'll just spread the words.
Not to boast at others but more like proud of my own self to have courage to do things that people are having hard time to implement or take action.

So How to live life fully?
1. Dream
2. List your bucket list
3. Do research
4. Have a basic plan and understanding of what you will do
5. Take action. Just do it!
6. Take picture for reminder that it was not a dream, YOU DID IT!!!
7. Share your experience but not to boast and more like inspire people and give them guidance.
8. Wake up everyday telling yourself that it will be an awesome day and promise yourself that you will be happy today.
9. When you are down, look for the things even if it is a baby's laugh to make you smile.
10. Goof of, do some pranks, make jokes, do something crazy with anyone or your loved ones
11. Give back to others in any way possible either in financial or things that they need or pay for their food
12. Join a volunteer programme. This is to cleanse your inner self by being kind to other humans
13. Look back and reflect. Turn any regrets to moments of clarity of what you need to improve for your future self benefits.
14. Always spread positivity. Especially when there is too much negativity aura in the room, you gotta turn it up to something positive. Be the voice of reason or ambassador of good will.
15. Fulfill your bucket lists and travel and learn other language if needed

I am no professor or doctor. I've got no PHD or a master degree. I have my moments.
But I think so far I dun feel like committing suicide. I still have depression but those 15 things are what keeps me going. There is no such thing as quitting. Keep fighting. Work smart. Steadfast.
And yes, always love yourself first.

When you think your life sucks, realize somewhere some family has not even eaten for a week and still smile like they are full.

MASIH AKU

Tatkala hati mu berkelana..
Mencari yang lain..
Aku masih di sini..
Menatap memori aku dan kamu..
Pengharapan yang masih ada..
Hanya aku..
Tidak kamu..

Aku menjauh..
Tinggalkan kamu demi bahagia mu..
Aku tanpa henti berbicara dengan Ilahi..
Tentang kamu..
Hanya Allah tahu setiap yang aku tak mampu ungkap lagi..
Pada kamu..
Pada sesiapa..
Rindu aku, aku telan dan akuluahkan padaNya..

Aku langkah ke depan..
Dengan memaksa hati yang degil ini..
Aku buka lembaran baru di dunia yang aku asalnya tinggalkan..
Tapi kini dunia ini tempurung aku..
Lari dari bayangan mu..
Tapi kamu.. Kenapa kamu?
Kepingin hatiku buat kamu..
Selalu kamu..
Seolah-olah lelaki lain tak wujud..
Kau dan aku berbeza..
Dunia kita berbeza..
Jauhnya aku dan kamu..
Aku berbekalkan janji untuk tak kembali dalam hidup mu lagi..

Penghujung 2017..
Aku tatap gambar kamu..
Aku ingin luahkan sepenuh hati pada mu..
Tapi lihat kamu senyum..
Aku sedar aku sudah pudar dari hatimu..
Adakah aku masih hinggap di hatimu?
Adakah aku beri kan kamu senyum?
Atau hanya duka dan lara?
Aku henti.. Aku paksa..
Apa aku rasa.. Adakah penting lagi untuk luahkan padamu?
Cerita aku dalam hidup mu dah lama kau tutup..

Dan akhirnya aku diam..
Aku diam..
Berjanji takkan aku sebut lagi nama di khalayak siapa pun..
Dan hanya dalam sujudku..
Dalam doaku padaNya..
Malahan aku berhenti fikirkan mu..
Aku paksa diri aku lupakan kamu..
Tapi kamu masih muncul..
Dalam mimpi ku..
Ternyata diam itu benar..
Aku takkan lukakan kamu..
Tak ingin lagi lihat senyuman mu hilang.
Aku harap Dia dekat di hatimu..
Aku harap kamu damba Dia..
Kerna Dia aku ketemu mu..
Kerna Dia aku lepaskan mu..
Kerna Dia aku akan bebaskan sauh mu..

Sayang tapi tak ada makna lagi..
Kamu tiada lagi..
Kamu tidak akan hadir...
Akhirnya aku akur..
Kamu adalah koleksi yang meninggalkan aku dan aku tinggalkan..
Aku akhirnya dilupakan dan kamu akan aku lupakan..
Setahun berlalu tapi kamu masih di hati aku..
Masih aku...